Life and Times of Sasha Fierce

Hi folks!

It’s been awhile, I know. I’ve decided to begin writing again. However, I want a fresh start, so the title of this blog will most likely change and the previous posts will most likely go away. I’ve missed the creative outlet. Once I remove all the previous posts, this blog will link to my twitter (funny how I once questioned what twitter was!). I’m excited to share my thoughts with you all again!

 

Courtney

this weekend, the banker was in dc. i spent quite a bit of time fretting over how i would deal with his literal reappearance in my life. in the end, i decided that whatever happened wouldn’t knock me off my ass, so i could handle seeing him. in retrospect, it was the right decision. i saw him friday, saturday and sunday and all in all, it was great to catch up and play pretend for a bit. he is a very touchy-feely guy and while that is typically not my style, i enjoyed spending time with him and i’m happy to know that he’s doing well.

i feel good about seeing him and confirming that we are not right for each other. not that there was any doubt, but sometimes its easy to forget. we are SO different and in many big deal ways we do not see eye to eye. so i’m happy i spent the weekend looking back, but am thrilled that i live in the present.

i read this statement in a magazine today and it gave me pause: marriage isn’t about being happy. it’s about having a witness to your life – to your friends, your work, your pet, your life.

i think that is a very interesting and atypical way of looking at the institution of marriage. i wonder if that view should also fit for relationships – they aren’t necessarily about being happy, but rather about having a witness to everything else in your life that makes you happy. the author of the above quote was implying that people shouldn’t divorce because of a lack of happiness, because that isn’t the point. which then begs the question, should one stay in a relationship that makes them unhappy? if there is a general level of discontent coupled with a lot of other great things and if one has other things in your life that make you happy, should you just keep on trucking?

i’m thinking about all of this because yesterday i broke up with the man i had been seeing. you know, the one who has been pulling ridiculous shit that infuriates me. but also the one who remembers every single thing i tell him and makes me laugh and always insists on walking me home and never lets me pay for anything and looks at me like i’m the only person in the room and tells me stuff about him and his family that i’m pretty sure very few people know and just makes me feel good. i felt strongly that all that stuff wasn’t enough for me. but was i expecting too much? was i expecting him to make me happy instead of simply share in my happiness?

no, i think i made the right decision and did the right thing. i’m just having a little seller’s remorse. now that i’ve sold the shack, it looks like a palace. i know myself and i know what i can and can not handle. and so, life moves on. it always does.

for me to be angrier than i already was. except, i am. i got a massive text message this evening from the boy, describing how he and his boys spent the night in VIP, with table and bottle service and he couldn’t find me. oh, and he ran up a 1,700$ tab. boo fucking hoo. i have not responded because i try to say true to my southern roots and not say anything if i have nothing nice to say. and let’s be honest. i have NOTHING nice to say. i don’t understand why he shared this with me. was i supposed to feel better upon learning that he was living it up w/table service and didn’t invite me? ugh. i am so.freaking.angry.

okay, i know that i just said a few days ago that i was cutting my losses. and i am. but i also still had a teensy bit of hope and so (i think i previously mentioned this) i invited the guy to my little party last night. he said he was coming, but i wasn’t sure. around 9pm, he sent me a text confirming the location. once i got there, i got all these texts from him saying “where are you?”, etc. i told him EXACTLY what floor we were on, had all my friends looking out for him (he’s a big, linebacker sized black man – not hard to spot) and waited for him in the doorway to the floor we were on. didn’t find him. this bullshit continued all night. him saying where are you, but never telling me what floor he was on. i searched the whole place for him and didn’t find him. at one point i got a text from him saying he was in VIP and asking if i saw rihanna. ugh. by the end of the night, when i had been there for four hours and he STILL hadn’t found me, it was quite clear that he didn’t want to be found. he kept whining about not being able to find me, which was bullshit. everyone else that i met up with found me. friends iĀ separatedĀ from during the night found me. he could’ve fucking found me. i apologize for the language, but i’m really upset by this.

when i left, i left him a pretty irate voicemail. then i remembered that he doesn’t typically listen to voicemail. so i sent him a text that said “i know you don’t listen to voicemail. so if you don’t hear mine, you should know i’m pretty upset with you.” about 45 minutes later, i got a text from him that said “i’m walking home from park – my phone is all jacked up – someone spilled a drink on it. i’m frustrated that i didn’t find you guys. i will talk to candice about it.” so there are many things about this message that pissed me off. first, all of the excuses. my phone is jacked up, blah blah blah. really? because your phone seemed to be fine all text. second, who the hell is candice? i have no idea who he is talking about. third, the statement that he is “frustrated” he didn’t find us. oh, really? you’re frustrated? he fucking spent all night in a club where he was supposed to be celebrating my new job with ME and he was up in VIP and doing god knows what and he has the gall to tell me he’s fucking “frustrated”?!

needless to say, i did not respond to that bullshit text message. i am just SO mad. i’m not sure what i should do next. just completely ignore him? should i arrange to meet him face to face to tell him that whatever the hell we’ve been doing is OVER? i don’t know. all i know right now is how pissed i am.

oh, and the banker is coming to town in three weeks. the fun never ends.

so i just accepted a new job (yay!) and am pretty excited about it. so excited that i’ve decided that saturday night i’m going to go shake my ass at park to celebrate. i sent an email to the usual suspects and also shot off a text to the bartender. the usual suspects included the man i’m giving up. he was very ambiguous, not committing either way. WHAT A SHOCK. sigh. bartender texted back “oh, congrats! i’m supposed to work, but i’ll rearrange stuff. i’ll be there.” and there, ladies and gentlemen, is a textbook example of how you keep a woman happy. you don’t play bullshit games. you simply are normal. it’s sad that this is not the norm.

i hate excuses. doesn’t everyone? i feel like the man i have been quasi-dating is full of them. every week he’s sick or having a “crazy” busy week at work or injured or forgetful or WHATEVER. i am now at the point where i don’t care what the reason is that he is unavailable. i am not waiting for him to be unavailable, now matter how much i enjoy spending time with him when we are together. the back and forth, half in half out approach isn’t cutting it for me. i really don’t begrudge him – he is a good guy and i do think he’s trying. but it isn’t working for me. i guess it’s a case of bad timing or him not being ready or whatever. i don’t really care what it is. i just know i’m not into it.

back to the drawing board, i guess. sigh.


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  • Laura: i feel like there is a lot here to think about. my thought, at least right now, and you know how my thoughts are always changing, is that you shouldn
  • CeCe: This dude sucks! There is only so much wrong a person can do before they've undone all the good that led up to that point. You are a better person tha
  • CeCe: I can see why you're pissed. Diplomatically, I must say there are always two sides to every story, but this dude sucks! You can find a person in the b

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