Life and Times of Sasha Fierce

Archive for the ‘the Banker’ Category

this weekend, the banker was in dc. i spent quite a bit of time fretting over how i would deal with his literal reappearance in my life. in the end, i decided that whatever happened wouldn’t knock me off my ass, so i could handle seeing him. in retrospect, it was the right decision. i saw him friday, saturday and sunday and all in all, it was great to catch up and play pretend for a bit. he is a very touchy-feely guy and while that is typically not my style, i enjoyed spending time with him and i’m happy to know that he’s doing well.

i feel good about seeing him and confirming that we are not right for each other. not that there was any doubt, but sometimes its easy to forget. we are SO different and in many big deal ways we do not see eye to eye. so i’m happy i spent the weekend looking back, but am thrilled that i live in the present.


okay, i know that i just said a few days ago that i was cutting my losses. and i am. but i also still had a teensy bit of hope and so (i think i previously mentioned this) i invited the guy to my little party last night. he said he was coming, but i wasn’t sure. around 9pm, he sent me a text confirming the location. once i got there, i got all these texts from him saying “where are you?”, etc. i told him EXACTLY what floor we were on, had all my friends looking out for him (he’s a big, linebacker sized black man – not hard to spot) and waited for him in the doorway to the floor we were on. didn’t find him. this bullshit continued all night. him saying where are you, but never telling me what floor he was on. i searched the whole place for him and didn’t find him. at one point i got a text from him saying he was in VIP and asking if i saw rihanna. ugh. by the end of the night, when i had been there for four hours and he STILL hadn’t found me, it was quite clear that he didn’t want to be found. he kept whining about not being able to find me, which was bullshit. everyone else that i met up with found me. friends i separated from during the night found me. he could’ve fucking found me. i apologize for the language, but i’m really upset by this.

when i left, i left him a pretty irate voicemail. then i remembered that he doesn’t typically listen to voicemail. so i sent him a text that said “i know you don’t listen to voicemail. so if you don’t hear mine, you should know i’m pretty upset with you.” about 45 minutes later, i got a text from him that said “i’m walking home from park – my phone is all jacked up – someone spilled a drink on it. i’m frustrated that i didn’t find you guys. i will talk to candice about it.” so there are many things about this message that pissed me off. first, all of the excuses. my phone is jacked up, blah blah blah. really? because your phone seemed to be fine all text. second, who the hell is candice? i have no idea who he is talking about. third, the statement that he is “frustrated” he didn’t find us. oh, really? you’re frustrated? he fucking spent all night in a club where he was supposed to be celebrating my new job with ME and he was up in VIP and doing god knows what and he has the gall to tell me he’s fucking “frustrated”?!

needless to say, i did not respond to that bullshit text message. i am just SO mad. i’m not sure what i should do next. just completely ignore him? should i arrange to meet him face to face to tell him that whatever the hell we’ve been doing is OVER? i don’t know. all i know right now is how pissed i am.

oh, and the banker is coming to town in three weeks. the fun never ends.

it’s valentine’s day. i have never particularly cared for valentine’s day. not because i hate the world or i hate couples or anything like that. i just hate the long waits at restaurants (when i worked at houston’s we would run a 3 hour wait on v-day. ridiculous. who WERE those people?!) and i hate that it’s categorized as a holiday that women care about so much. my best valentine’s day was when the ex and i went to the circus. it was so fun. regardless, it’s a big holiday and today two unsettling things happened that forced me to think about valentine’s day.

first, the ex sent me a text this afternoon. yes, not earth shattering news, i know. but let me back up. the ex told me not quite a month ago, that his wife was freaking out about us being facebook friends. he would have to defriend me and he might even delete his fb account. keep in mind, that i NEVER write on his call, comment on things he says/posts/etc. we have NO fb contact at all. i am just listed on his friends list. well, i was, at least. after he told me that she was pissed, he defriended me. he also informed me he was pissed about the whole thing and thanks for being understanding, blah blah blah. cut to about 1:45 pm. he sends me a text message wishing me a happy valentine’s day. are you freakin’ serious dude? it’s valentine’s day. you are married with twins on the way. the LAST thing i want is to hear from you. sigh.

THEN, the banker calls me. i was so shocked i literally just stared at the phone. he didn’t leave a message so i have no idea what he wanted. but i don’t understand why all these exes feel the need to text/call on freaking valentine’s day. just let me be.
it is approaching october which means many different things for me. it means my birthday (yay!), fall, halloween and this year it means a year since the Banker and i broke up. and it’s been an eventful year. in terms of the Banker and i, there have been many ups and downs. i struggled to maintain a friendship with him and then cut him off when i realized that maintaining a friendship with him didn’t seem possible. and now, of course, he’s back. not completely back, but he has contacted me and expressed in an interest in rebuilding our friendship.

at first i was taken aback by his message. i have so many conflicting emotions regarding the Banker. i truly fell in love with him and i was pretty upset after it didn’t work out. i was more upset when i felt like i had been lied to after we broke up. i felt that his behavior after our break up was reprehensible. honestly, my feelings were hurt. and i felt (and still feel) that if we were going to be friends, he’d have to truly make amends and acknowledge (at a minimum) what he did was wrong.

so i don’t know what’s going to happen. obviously, a good deal of time has passed and we now have this physical buffer between us. i just don’t want to get sucked back in and then feel like an idiot for giving him a chance to be involved in my life again. i know that some of my friends (i’m looking at you, AHS) don’t understand why i even care or why i’m even giving the Banker the time of day. and to them all i can say is that i love hard. and i give second (and third and fourth) chances. but i do learn from them. i’m not saying i’m going to go hop on a plane and visit the Banker. but the things about him that i loved are still there and if we can find a way to navigate through our past and the hurt feelings and the confusion and develop a friendship, i think i’d really enjoy that.
as predicted by Agnes, the Banker texted me yesterday. nothing serious, just a very short “i guess we are no longer friends? i had hoped we could build a friendship. football season made me think about you, i hope you are well.” i was taken by surprise bc i haven’t heard from the Banker probably since june and i haven’t actually responded to any of his messages, phone calls, etc since feb. for a second, i wanted to write him back. especially bc i’ve been thinking about him since football season began as well. the Banker really is the person who helped to create my passion for alabama football (roll tide!) and i am grateful for that. i’ve missed his commentary on games and the obsessive way he watches every single television program that even mentions nick saban’s name. but…i decided to cut him out of my life for a reason. it wasn’t a decision i made lightly and it’s not a decision that he can cause me to completely reevaluate just because its football season and he misses me.

so, i don’t think i’m going to respond. at least not yet. what i may do is write him a letter explaining why i have no desire to be friends with him. but i know that doing that will just drag on this discussion of “why can’t we be friends?” unless and until the Banker owns up to some of the shitty stuff he did, i will not believe a word that comes out of his mouth. i simply don’t trust and i think he is way too selfish to understand that. anyway, i’m going to mull it over for a couple of days and then see how i feel.

yep, i’m feeling pretty bitchy, so if i were you (especially you Banker and AHS) i’d skip this one. i’m just so irritated and fed up. really it’s about 97% the Banker and about 3% AHS. so maybe AHS can read this. but the Banker shoud really skip it.

the Banker is such an annoyance. i’m thinking of cutting him out of my life completely. i probably should’ve done it awhile ago, but i have a hard time doing that. once i decided to stop ignoring him and actually keep in contact he started acting like an ass again. i think he’s out. he’s such a selfish idiot. he actually had the nerve to get mad at me because i didn’t want to talk to him about some personal topics (i.e. the details of my being laid off and also if i’m dating). that infuriated me! it’s like he thinks i owe him something. in this case, information. ugh. what an ass. what really gets me going is that today he sent me some annoying, juvenile text about how i’m ignoring him again. he doesn’t seem to make the connection between me ignoring him and him being an ass. 

as for AHS, i’m just a little perplexed by him. when i was home over christmas we talked frequently and hung out often and it was great. then i went back to bama and it was like i had ran over his dog. i swear, he all of a sudden never calls and apparently refuses to respond to emails. i don’t get it. i know he’s back in school now, but i also know that means that he has plenty of time in class to slack off (ah hem, not that i ever did that, i’m just sayin…). also, i know he has some ridiculous cell phone issues…but GOOD GRIEF!! 

okay, i’m done w/the bitching for now. tomorrow morning is my first day pro bono-ing at the washington lawyers committee for civil rights and urban affairs and i am thrilled to be able to do some awesome pro bono work. yay!

when i was 12 or 13, i met this guy. we’ll call him TS. TS and i became fast friends and eventually it grew to something more. i don’t exactly know how to describe it. we were best friends and romantic interest was there, but not there. does that make any sense? by the time i was 15, i was certain that i was in love, although we were never in a relationship and always dated other people. he was my best friend but so much more. and he was awful for me. anyone who knew me way back then (MJ, LH, etc) can tell you that. he was a “bad boy” and to put it lightly, was definitely bad for me. the thing is, during that time, i thought that i was doing the right thing by keeping him in my life. 

you see, i believed in “unconditional” love. i thought that loving him unconditionally meant that i was bound and beholden to love him no matter what. and by loving him no matter what, that meant that i couldn’t walk out on him. i couldn’t cut him out of my life. because if loving someone through horrific shit isn’t unconditional love, then what is? 

like i said, we met when i was 12. i went to college, and fell in love with the Ex. i was completely honest with the Ex and he actually helped me through some of the worst stuff with TS.unfortunately, but not surprisingly, during this time, the Ex developed an extreme hatred for TS. shocker. but i persisted in keeping in touch with TS. not even just keeping in touch. i insisted that i should stay friends with TS because i was supposed to love him “unconditionally”. yeah, the Ex didn’t buy that bullshit either. TS was a MAJOR strain on our relationship. it all came to end one thanksgiving when, while driving 10 hours to my parent’s house, the Ex gave me an ultimatum (well, he screamed an ultimatum – he was a wee bit pissed). he told me i either cut TS completely out of my life or he was done. of course, i did what anyone does when their back is up against the wall. i told him i’d cut TS out…but i didn’t. of course, i couldn’t. i was a believer in “unconditional” love. in the end, the Ex and i broke up (obviously) and i still maintained a distant friendship with TS. 

finally, well over a decade later, i realized that “unconditional” love might just be bullshit. or, at the very least, it was in the case of TS and i. i sickened of his shit, realized that he was the same exact person he was when i was 12, and (thank goodness) i had grown and changed in so many ways. i cut him out, even though i still care about him. i know i will never stop, but i also know what’s best for me – and he ain’t it.

so, what now, do i think about “unconditional” love? i think that i will love the man meant for me unconditionally, but i also don’t know that i think love is enough. i know myself well enough to know that i fall easy, i get excited about people and things easily and its often tough for me to get the proper amount of perspective. i think that one of the good things about the Banker was i really felt like i was my best self with him. i truly felt like i learned from the loser i had previously dated and from the Ex and took those lessons and applied it to my relationship with the Banker. which gives me hope 🙂


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  • Laura: i feel like there is a lot here to think about. my thought, at least right now, and you know how my thoughts are always changing, is that you shouldn
  • CeCe: This dude sucks! There is only so much wrong a person can do before they've undone all the good that led up to that point. You are a better person tha
  • CeCe: I can see why you're pissed. Diplomatically, I must say there are always two sides to every story, but this dude sucks! You can find a person in the b